She is in my trunk
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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