Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
