Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
