the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The best revenge is premature balding
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
