i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize