Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
