Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we're making bets on your personal life
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
