Don't make out with my wife yet
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
