I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize