all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
