At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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