My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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