Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
