I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
