She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
