her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
