as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
