I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
