he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
