i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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