i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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