note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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