Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
