I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
