Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
that may or may not have been my penis.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
