the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
