I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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