So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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