Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
