tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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