My first STD was from a foam party
I want you more than these girls want KFC
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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