She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
