I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
