We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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