If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
