you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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