I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I need to calm my uterus...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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