I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
