i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
