haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
