I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
