Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
