I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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