My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
