Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
