Define "chronic" masturbator.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
