i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
