I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
