I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
