dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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