Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
