her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
