Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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