Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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