Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize