I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
