The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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