What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
