Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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