matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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